Engaging and dating relationship at adolescence
Yes it’s a ‘risk’ but it’s little more risk than in any other dating situation. Don’t assume that because you’re being pursued or that there’s certain future talk that it ‘must’ mean that they’re over their ex and ready for a relationship. don’t assume that because they’re separated or divorced that have a Ph D in commitment or that you’ll get the same. You remember what it’s like in those first few days, weeks and even months depending on how long the relationship went on for – you may still have been in touch, arguing, negotiating, or even hooking up. You can of course chance your arm but then you have to back away when it becomes clear that the ex files haven’t been closed. If you’ve already determined your boundary on this issue, don’t bust it, I know of quite a few people who were told to wait and come back when they’d had some more time/got divorced. Most people go through a breakup or few, and it’s not a ‘flaw’ to be separated or divorced hence there’s no reason to go Some relationships and marriages don’t work out.
Now of course, a person who is avoiding their feelings will just find someone else to avoid them with but somebody who is genuinely interested in you and wants to start off on a good footing won’t mind respecting your wishes – at least they’ll know that they’re pursuing something with you because it’s they want to be with as opposed to seeking a distraction that’s going to backfire when they realise that they’re unavailable. Of course some people are separated or even divorced numerous times due to shady behaviour or due to a tad too much Fast Forwarding but that’s stuff you’ll find out through due diligence, possibly quite quickly if you have your feet on the ground and are listening and watching. I know of somebody who is getting married for the fifth time and is doing their best to hide it from their family including their own children – yeah, clearly they haven’t grown or learned a damn thing from their previous marriages. Don’t enter into an involvement with your emotional airbag inflated.
In the situations where it work, the separated party overestimated their readiness and actually, part of the reason they dated had been to avoid their feelings about the demise of their marriage.
Avoid falling into the trap of not seeing the wood for the trees: There are people left brokenhearted due to being involved with partners who were still affected by a breakup or divorce that happened anything from months to before.
If the FOG is combined with a target’s need to be perceived as the Nice Guy/Nice Gal, it’s extremely difficult for the target to break free.
Most Nice Guys and Gals have been groomed to believe boundaries are mean and abusive and that taking care of themselves is selfish. For the FOG to be especially effective, many abusers instinctively know to isolate their targets from friends and family members who will help them to reality test and come out of the FOG.
To a mom, dad, sister, brother or best friend, it can be as clear as day, but when you have your mouth wrapped around the exhaust pipe of the Crazy Fogger 3000 night and day, it’s no wonder you can’t see the forest for the trees.
For anyone who’s ever walked or driven in atmospheric fog, you know that being in a fog can play perceptual tricks on you.
It is often easier for outsiders to see what’s going on because they’re not caught in the disorienting and invalidating mists of an emotional FOG.
Once you get out of the FOG for a length of time, your head will start to clear and you will, hopefully, see things more objectively, which is precisely what a predatory abuser does not want to happen.
They want to control you, the narrative, your feelings and your perceptions.
These will be self-evident – you won’t need to pull out your magnifying glass, start making things up or coming up with rationalisations. Whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you.
) These thoughts and feelings are a natural byproduct of being in an abusive relationship.I also work with individuals who are distraught over seeing a beloved son, brother, grandson and/or friend willingly remain in an abusive relationship.